Peaceful Chaos

So, where to begin and where to end. The ending begins the cyclic start of metaphoric chaos that seems to consume the way I view things..... sort of. Basically what is happening is seemingly endless, and therefore must have some place to start. Before I go on allow me to introduce the problem.
Basically there is something that has been bugging me for a while. As some of you know, I have been struggling with an "addiction." This single, parasite, this single deed, this one small tumor in my life has managed to destroy just about everything I thought I stood for. Confused? Don't worry so am I. To make things clearer, I'm going to go ahead and say that this addiction is to pornography. Ya, the killer of thousands of marriages, destroyer of millions of homes, and assassin of billions of relationships. Yet it is still there. I have not only heard of lives destroyed by this but i have experienced it, through my friends, through acquaintances, and through experience. Now I am glad to admit that it has become less of an issue. I am sorry to admit that it has only led to more problems.
I have become one of the thousands of modern teens who has become hooked by computer games, specifically the exorbitantly popular MMORPG (Multi-Massive Online Role Playing Game) genre. Sure this isn't a bad thing, right? I guess that is right; but not in the way that it has manifested itself in my life and in the lives of many teens worldwide. It consumes our thoughts making it impossible to concentrate on our work. It consumes our time, making us moan at the thought of having to leave this time investment to complete other assignments. It consumes our honesty making us lie to a friend or even use it as a really lame excuse to get out of something. (umm, ya Tom, i cant go to that movie tonight im doing something.... die cyborg die, umm i mean bye) or something along those random lines. Sure it does help with keeping my focus on something other than all the pressure that i have right now, or even off the original addiction.
It has led to more complaints about how life is going, my attempt to maintain a positive attitude has turned into more of a facade that I try to keep around other so that they are comfortable around me. The problem is it has become so uncontrolable that i can hardly distinguish between when im faking something and when im myself. Scary but true.
It has destroyed my grades in school and i find myself more on the catch-up track trying to look like I have everything under control when really things are more confusing now that i have learned about them than they were when I knew nothing about them.
I would like to take this chance to apologize. To my friends, sorry if I'm being a hypocrite, or just seem distant or changed. I want to be back, but I'm still trying to get things straightened out so that I can see the light to the way out. To all those who I gave a lame excuse to, I'm not blaming the addiction, it's me, and im sorry. To those I have disappointed, PLEASE come talk to me about it, I don't wish the pain i have caused to be forced upon anyone. To my Family and my Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I'm glad to call you such. You have been the hope i have been holding on to. Thank you.

-Radu Rodila

P.S.- Kelsey if you read this i understand what you mean by bipolar blogs :P

updates

Hey guys,
I know that I have not exactly been the most active blogger in the world. I don't actually know whats even going on in my mind right now. There are so many things that rush through the empty spaces that were once filled with creativity and imagination. Nothing seems real anymore. Things are not exactly tough, and maybe I just need to change my attitude about life, but I can't find my inspiration. I don't know why this bugs me so much, but it seems as if my sanity is quick to follow the pattern. Anyways, i hope everyone is having a great week. Ill keep you guys posted, maybe i left my mind back at Myrtle Beach, or maybe somewhere along the way. It may yet come back to me.
God bless,
Radu Rodila

True Wisdom

Lately, I feel like i have been stuck in a deep rut of lies and fortifications that i cant escape. My life full of pride seems to take away from who I want to be. My whole life depends on being the social immage that has been built up for me. I feel almost pressured at times to make a wise or deep quotation off the bat like I'm a fortune cookie or something. Truely I know that people do not have this expectation for me, but i feel like its there waiting to trap me. So lately this week I had thoughts come to mind, as i walk home, of what true wisdom is.

Wisdom is not the saying of something wise. Wisdom cannot change a life, or even a mentality for that matter. Wisdom is something that is planted in the soil of the heart by an amazing God, and nothing can change that. Wisdom is what God has taught you, words are the actions that share it. If it changes a life that is great. If it changes someone mentality for the better, then it can be a good thing also. God gives us words for a reason, and we have to use them. Nothing changes unless there is courage of someone to say it. The wise part is that even though everyone knows it, they don't discover it for themselves until AFTER it has been said. I thank everyone for helping me see that the world does not need another lyricist; that all this world really needs is the courage to make the obvious stand in the spotlight for a few seconds, and maybe then can true wisdom shine.

I may not be wise. I am saved, and that makes all the difference. Maybe one day ill find what God has to teach me, and then through my words i may yet act on it.

This time its just random...

I know I have been posting often lately, kind of defeats the purpose of keeping secrets right? Anyways this is probably going to be one to summarize most likely the whole week/ year so far/ lifetime so far (i haven't quite been able to catagorize it yet)

I stand in solemn silence
commanding order and abidance
living deaf to moral guidance
and giving enemies pursuit

I step the first of many
my thoughts not worth a penny
I keep my life from any
and give my friends the boot

I walk in calm confusion
hoping life is not a grand illusion
yet conforming to intrusion
and making my point moot

Oh what peaceful, quiet, joy
when I find that life's no ploy
and I can thoroughly enjoy
being the Saviors new recruit

I walk now in new light
finding wisdom in whats right
and no longer ruled by fright
I feed my life with the True fruit

I stand in solemn silence.

random i know but thats y i got the title as such.

Sunsets

This is kind of an explanation for my heading picture.

Recently in my Language Arts class we had to write character poem based on literary analysis of the book THE CRUCIBLE and various outlines that we were given during class. One of the lines of the poem was asking what time of day would fit the character that we chose the best and why. I said night.

This was just a poem, it was not to be the big thing that I'm making it now, but God had different plans. This line remained on my mind for a while, and now I see a picture of a sunset on my computer. And a thought comes to mind.

I am a follower, a conformer, a traitor. My sunset in life was as soon as i was born. The reasons for which i was here began to cast themselves into shadows. These shadows i would surround with golden blankets spun of worn down threads of hope. Each would envelope something i was trying to hide. Life is never easy, and sunsets are a daily reminder of that. Every time I see one it means an end to a day. It means that I survived a situation, that time is coming to an end. At that moment it seems all hope withers away into the abyss of darkness, into a hopeless night that leaves life to trudge along blindly.

Sunsets, though, are the beginning. I may not be able to see what I have done, or why I'm here at all in this very moment. Yet as this day ends, the calamity of time slows into the calm of night. The unsure times of decision come to rest in the home of certainty. Whether there is sleep or not, the night brings the peace of endings. When people die their memory does not fade. Same goes with sunsets. When a day ends the memories will not fade. The lessons we learned, the things we conformed to, the actions we completed, everything comes to an end. There is left but the mystery that entrances us all, the mystery of not knowing what to expect. The sunset is but the curtain closing so that the next scene can be prepared.

A Sincere Greeting to All

Hello to everyone,

For those who know me you know me well. For those who recognize me you see me well. For those who hear me you listen well. For those who don't you choose well.

For clarification purposes I am not, in any way, a trouble maker unless you consider defending your faith a troublemaker in which I can probably cause you minor inconveniences. My name is Radu, not much more need be said. I follow a core belief that I am saved and attempt to live my life as such, yet I also believe that I am human and thus prone to misdemeanors and mispronounced emotions. I enjoy being one of the loners of society, taking a beating for others and keeping my opinions more to myself. Through recent times I have seen things change. I am more distressed with my situation than with my compensation. My own life has outlived me; twice being born and once dieing. Nothing in time can permit nor can it excuse my selfish desires and the absence of a resolve with which to rid myself of them. I have resolved to use this.... opportunity..... as a way to express some of the many thoughts that often clutter the limits of my mind. Some of these things may be controversial even for me, some may be offensive, some may be personal, and some may just be rambling phrases of nonsense.

Now that you have a scope, let not me deter your focus. You came here for a reason, every reason needs fulfillment.